Monday, April 2, 2012

Why Was I Not Obese?

This is what my fridge currently looks like:

Let me break it down for you:
  • A gallon of milk from the local dairy. (I only point out that it's from the "local dairy" because it goes downhill pretty quickly from here, and I need to save some respect.)
  • An old jar of artichoke hearts that probably needs to be thrown out
  • A jar of olives, which I don't know if it needs to be thrown out or not because I have no idea how long olives last in a jar, so I neither eat them nor throw them out
  • A jar of hot sauce
  • A container of baby food
  • Some weird juice my sister gave me. My sister is always into some new weird juice every time I see her. This time it is aloe juice with bits of jellyfish floating in it. (But it was so generous of her to give it to me, nonetheless. I'm sure jellyfish bits are expensive.)
  • A tub of double chocolate cookie dough
  • A box of baking soda
  • A package of corn tortillas
  • Three Baby-bel cheese rounds
  • A head of garlic

Not very promising, is it? I could go grocery shopping, but I believe I am slowly becoming agoraphobic.

It is in the midst of this food desert that I found myself resorting to some of my old high school snacks. And it reminded me, man, why was I not obese in high school? My sister and I would get home from school around 3, while our parents were still working. We'd sit on the living room floor and I'd do my math homework while watching Days of Our Lives from 3-4 and Oprah from 4-5. And, of course, we needed a snack.

These snacks were superlative. And I wanted to give you just one small glimpse into them.

Bowl o' peanut butter. This is exactly what it sounds like, and is what I indulged in today (although it was the more respectable spoon o' peanut butter.) I'd take one of our old blue plastic bowls, fill it with peanut butter, then coat said peanut butter in honey. Then I'd eat it like ice cream. I estimate this afternoon snack was roughly 37,251 calories. I should have probably paid attention in my health class in high school. Because I'm pretty sure they don't recommend this. (Although my spoonful of peanut butter and honey today was simply delightful.)

Oreo Soup. Another favorite. I'd take a bunch of Oreos, let's say 10 (but who's counting?) and smash them up in the bottom of a bowl. Then I'd add milk and stir. Delicious soupy goodness.

Pot o' Popcorn. OK, so this one doesn't sound so bad, right? If you don't think so, you've never met me. My sister and I would make a huge pot of popcorn and melt a stick of butter to pour on top to keep us company with Oprah. It was a lot.

Loaf o' Bread. The honor of this one probably goes to my sister more than it goes to me. The recipe is fairly simple: Toast a loaf of bread. Butter it. Eat it - all of it. Add some jam for good measure.

To my credit, I never ate much at lunch or dinner. I didn't like meat, and so I'd fill up on snacks instead. I think this frustrated my parents ever so slightly when I wouldn't eat the steak they made me because I'd eaten a loaf of bread for a snack. And to my parents' credit, they would have never let us eat like this had they known. They were very health conscious. Thank God - can you imagine what I'd have eaten if they weren't?

This post was brought to you by my my gimpy wrist, my agoraphobia, my laziness, my "work-at-home mom" trump card, and a whole host of other excuses for my empty fridge.

By the way, Allie says hi.


barleygreen said...

Thank goodness I wasn't around when you entered the snack stage. Otherwise I would have added the Cup O'PBJ (sans bread); Slice O'bread with ketchup spread; and the cheese slice served with bbq dipping sauce - to your repetoir. In my defense, I did eat tomato halves as well to counteracted the other three.

Amber said...

Ew, bread with ketchup sounds awful! But I guess I can't talk, can I?

Tara said...

Hey--that juice I gave you had aloe chunks in it. I guess I should have never told you that it might just taste like little baby fish are in your mouth while drinking it. I think it is delicious!! Plus the juice was recommended by a Hawaiian. Everything recommended by a Hawaiian is good:)

I loved our afternoon snacks!! You forgot our favorite--brownie batter!! We would make the whole box of brownie batter and eat the whole bowl raw. We would also bake a whole package of bacon and eat it ourselves. And you might want to blame dad on the toast thing-- he was the one who taught us this one!! I guess mom and dad made us eat healthy during meals since they probably suspected our "healthy" snacks. Now that I think of it, we also ate donuts for lunch--I remember I ate a package of chocolate donuts and a Dr. Pepper everyday at lunch because it was so much cheaper than a school lunch and then I could save my lunch money for other things:)

Amber said...

Oh my gosh, we were such fatties! Although I remember eating a lot of bagels with cream cheese for lunch. It was gross and didn't keep me full, but it only cost 50 cents. I shudder to think what mom and dad's grocery bill was like!

Elizabeth M. said...

I literally LOVE this post! This is totally my life in high school. I would work my butt off in swimming, and eat like a moose, and then I got really confused when I didn't work out at all and wasn't active that I gained weight! Once I ate an ENTIRE BOX of oreos in ONE sitting! Not lying. Isn't that disgusting!

sarahbri said...

This made me laugh right out loud! I love you Amber.

barleygreen said...

Hey...what a coincidence, we just tied a can of Aloe Juice that had honey and aloe this weekend. I thought it was deliciously refreshing! The jellyfish bits threw me off...thought you had found something different - ugh.

Teresa said...

Oh, the power of the written word. I've already had dinner, an after dinner snack and ice cream, but after reading this I HAD to have some peanut butter.
It was delicious.