Hugs and Kisses: What Kind of a Hugger Are You?

I never thought much about hugging until I married a man from a different hug culture than my own. There are a lot of cultural similarities about Americans. We like burgers and freedom and movies with armageddon-esque explosions. But we don't have a consistent hug culture. You never know what you're going to get or what you're supposed to do in any given meeting.

Here's my little guide to the various kinds of huggers and how to approach them.

• The Side Huggers: These people want to be friendly...but not too friendly. They fear the intimacy of chest-to-chest hugging and find a friendly side back pat is a nice compromise. The side huggers are typically males (who are afraid of too much flesh contact with females or in-laws), females (who are afraid of non-marital chest-on-chest action) or work friends who haven't seen each other in awhile. How to approach the side hugger: It's good to just give in to the side huggers' advances. It's an easy, noncommital way of still being friendly.


• The Full-Frontals: These people aren't satisfied with tepid side pats. They want full contact, full frontal, full on hugs. In a full-frontal hug, there should be no air in between you and your fellow hugger. These hugs also tend to be longer in duration, as they're really serious about greeting you. This is the category that my husband falls into. Upon entering my family, he was quite disappointed with the lukewarm pats he got and has been trying to reform us ever since. Unsuccessfully. How to approach the full-frontals: I find it's just best to give in. The more you squirm, the tighter they squeeze. The main choice you have to make is whether or not to let your arms hang limp at your sides and hope they don't notice or join in with the intense pressing. I find myself doing a bit of both. Just enjoy yourself in the affectionate company of someone less repressed than yourself. Of course, when a stranger, especially one that smells, gives you the full frontal, then it's just weird. I would employ the swift side hug reversal to avoid their embrace.


• The Full-Frontals With Kisses: For some full-frontals, tight, intimate embracing just isn't enough. They need to add kissing. Sometimes several kisses. Sometimes on both cheeks. The main problem here is that you are already pressed so tightly that they can't go in for a swift in and out peck, they have to linger. I must admit that I always feel loved after a full-frontal with kisses encounter, but I need some recovery time before I have to do it again. How to approach the full-frontals with kisses: As with a full-frontal, your best bet is to give in. Don't kiss back, I mean, let's not go crazy. But try not to whimper too much.


• The Lip Kissers: Oh, lip kissers, whyfore art thou lip kissers? Don't you know that you give us the willies? Lip kissers don't necessarily hug you too tight, but they are adamant that they will kiss you, and they will kiss you on the lips. Lip kissers tend to be males over the age of 67. I don't know if men hit a certain age and decide that cheeks just aren't cutting it anymore or what. How to approach the lip kissers: If it's your grandfather, it's hard to disrespect and say, "Eww, gross," and run away, as you probably want to. In fact, it's hard to do this to any elderly male. But even harder is allowing your lips, your pure lips that only have kisses for your husband, to touch those of a strange old man. You can do the last minute cheek turn, but these old men have learned a few tricks in their day, too. They're on the alert for lip aversion and are quick to dart in the last nanosecond before your avoidance tactic and plant a firm juicy one right on the smacker. Try not to disgustedly wipe your mouth with the back of your hand until you are out of the room.


• The One-Arm Double Pat: This is primarily practiced between two men who like each other but want to maintain that they are strong, football-watching, manly men. They approach from afar, lean in, touch shoulders and quickly and firmly pat the other man's back twice. A variation of the double pat is the Hand Shake Hug, in which a man approaches another, as if to shake hands, then once he has grasped the other's hand, he pulls him in and authoritatively pats him once or twice. How to approach the one-arm double pat: I don't know the protocol on this one, as men rarely offer the fraternal double pat to a lady. I'm not sure if there's some subtle signal men give to each other to say, "Hey, I'm about to go in for the double pat," because it seems to happen so seamlessly and mutually.


• The Tara Hug: My sister's hugs are so unique that she gets her own category, though in her category can be included many variations of the side hug - ways women avoid touching people. My sister leans forward, and your shoulders might imperceptibly brush one another, but no more. She then presses three fingers from both hands perfunctorily into your scapula. This is one of many techniques employed by women to not touch you because you're probably grody. Men have also created their own versions of the Tara Hug to avoid actual physical contact. For example, my brother-in-law has created a backwards elbow tap greeting, as the back of the elbow is apparently the least grody part of a body to have to touch. How to approach the Tara Hug: It's best to help these people get over their repressions. Grab them tightly about the waist, burrow your face in their bosom, and don't let go. At least, that's what I would do. Unless it's my brother-in-law, in which case you just go with it.


• The Hesitator: The Hesitator isn't sure which category you or he/she fits in to and performs a bird-like dance when meeting another Hesitator. Not sure how to approach, they lean in slightly for a hug, then pull back, then begin to offer a hand, then pull back, then slightly lean in, etc., etc. This can go on and on as you uncomfortably feel the other person out for what kind of hugger they are. Usually, the unsure advances end in a polite side-hug, as that seems like the most tame and amenable thing to do. The worst-case scenario is when a Hesitator's lurching advances are met with a perfunctory handshake, as if to say, "How could you have thought we were close enough to hug?" Hesitations usually occur between business associates, new introductions and acquiantances who haven't seen one another for awhile. How to approach the Hesitator: It's good to just put this person out of their misery. If they've shown that they are open to a hug but afraid of your rejection, just give them a quick pat and move on.

Now that we've reviewed the most common species of huggers in America, what kind of hugger are you? Did I miss any?