Friday, December 17, 2010

My Big Fat Canadian News

So guess what...I'll give you three guesses.

No, I'm not pregnant.

No, I didn't get a tattoo of Mike's face on my stomach. (Though I'm considering it.)

Give up?

I'm defecting to Canada! Well, not really defecting. Just taking a Canadian job in order to drain money from their country into ours and leave my current position open for some poor unemployed American. Talk about a stimulus package!

I have accepted a job to write for Compassion Canada. I'm not moving there, but will work remotely. (The professional way of saying I'll be in my bed with a bag of Tostitos and PJs.) I'm very excited as this means I'll get to fulfill three long-term goals: 1. To write and/or edit full time. 2. To work from home. 3. To become a top-secret international spy.

I will start my new job on January 13th, and I've already started preparing for my immersion in the new culture.

I started reading books in order to get in the Canadian mindset. I read several L.M. Montgomery books, and now I know that Canadians spend most of their time staring wistfully out of windows and mooning about. I already do that, so it's perfect.

I also read a mystery about being a copywriter in a marketing department (Murder Must Advertise by Dorothy L. Sayers), in order to properly prepare for my new workplace. Now I know to be on the lookout for drug conspiracies and menacing figures carrying blunt objects.

Of course, I want to bring value to their office, so I'm working on several brilliant marketing campaign ideas. Like, "Sponsor a kid, you hoser!" and a special payment program through which sponsors can pay with maple syrup or moose chips.

I've started spelling everything Canadian-style, like this:

1. My, you look like you are ageing, Mummy, by the colour of your hair.

2. I am feeling amourous; you're giving me the vapours!

3. Would you do me a favour and give me a Caesarian section in the parlour, please?

4. Your sense of humour against Canadians gives me offence.

I sound smarter already.

And in order to look the part, I'll be asking for a pair of these and this hat for Christmas, to wear while I'm in bed with my Tostitos.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

v

Grimes said...

I love reading your posts Amber, you're just so darn funny : ) Congrats on the new job!

Nik

Oh and we're going to be in the Springs the week and WILL be stopping by Glacier's...that is as soon as we find out where it is!

Amber said...

Thanks, Nikki! That would be great to see you at the store! We're in the new shopping center with Costco, Lowes and Kohls off of Nevada (between GoG road and Rockrimmon).

Elizabeth M. said...

I missed this post somehow...haven't been on the "net" since my computer died...so sad! Anyhoo, love you and thankful for ye! and your brilliancy...not a word? and so happy for your new job! Cool, cool, cool!

emily said...

You're already more Canadian than me; I've never even read that Montgomery dude (or is it a lady? whatevs.)

Also, if you're going to poke fun at Canada, I expect more references to Tim Horton's.

Amber said...

Emily, Montgomery is the author of all the Anne of Green Gables books and other moony-girl books.

I didn't get to stop at a Tim Horton's while there, but I hear they have donuts! I'm obsessed with donuts and hope to do some research while visiting.

Also, you are stunningly like a good friend of mine. You look like her and talk like her. You both say "gah" and "whatev" and now I am officially convinced that you are her Canadian doppelganger.

emily said...

I SO wish I could attach a picture here of me wearing a moustache (that's ANOTHER Canadian spelling for you) to further your point. Although I think she's actually MY American doppelganger ;)

Aaron Armstrong said...

You're not missing anything by not having picked up a Tim Horton's donut while you were here. They're vile.

Amber said...

Aaron, you all will have to introduce me to the best Canadian donut. Also, I'm glad you're still speaking to me after I made fun of your country. A more intelligent person wouldn't publicly make fun of their future employers on the internet, but here we are.