- Like to ride on bikes.
- No special care or treatment required.
- Can be identified by their bright, multi-colored plumage. The cyclist's garb resembles that of a Nascar racer. The more logos and sponsors on one's plumage, the more other cyclists will know how hardcore one is. In the event one doesn't have actual sponsors, loud colors and text treatments will do. The more the better. This plumage is worn on an everyday basis, not only for special occasions. Exhibit A, my team jersey for the Courage Classic. Notice the prominently displayed logo, team name, and web site (also available on back). The plumage is further garnished with colorful flags. This will make other cyclists think that maybe you are from France or Italy, which automatically qualifies for several more hardcore points.
- Can be identified by their tight clothing. While a biker may be seen wearing loose street-clothing, such as cargo shorts or T-shirts, the true cyclist would never allow so much air between their clothing and their flesh. The cyclist will pay $130 for a pair of bike shorts whose primary purpose is to make her butt look bigger. (Upon buying my bike shorts, Mike said they made my backside look "architectural.") Never call a cyclists' shorts "tights." They'll get fussy.
- Can be identified by their complete lack of baggage. The cyclist would not be caught dead with a bike basket. Don't even think about it. (Recently the wife of a cyclist I know told her husband she wanted a basket like mine. Her desires were swiftly crushed as the cyclist could not be seen with a woman with a basket.) Cyclists cannot carry one extra ounce on their bike, such as car keys, as it might cause them to go 0.00001 second slower. Snacks and kleenex are for wimps.
- Can be identified by their skinny seats. Although the seat of a biker will be ample and cushy, allowing for the parts God gave, cyclists would never think of such luxury. Their seats are long and lean, or more aptly put, skinny and pointy in all the wrong places. Two of my girlfriends have these seats. Why? Because their cyclist husbands thought their wives wouldn't look cool if their reproductive organs were allowed to stay intact with a normal bike seat.
- Look funny. See above picture.
- Really care how they look. See first four points.
- Can be identified by dogged perseverance. My cyclist boss was in a crash last week, flipping over his handlebars while mountain biking. He kept biking for 30 minutes before going to the emergency room where he was treated for a concussion and several scrapes and bruises. He still has no memories of that day. (I asked him if he remembered approving a trip to Italy for me, but he didn't.) He went for a 17 mile ride two days later.
If you or someone you love is a cyclist, this post is meant in good fun. Feel free to point and laugh at my basket and architectural backside.