Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Verbal Incontinence

Yesterday, I knew what it felt like to be on American Idol.

At work, they were having auditions for a small singing group to occasionally lead worship for chapel. I like singing, so I thought I'd try out. Now, I swear I can sing just a little. I have the foofy dresses with bows on the butt from high school show choir to prove it. Not a beautiful voice, but I can stay on key...I thought.

Then I go into this audition yesterday, which, by the way, they set up right next to the cafeteria at lunch time with the doors open, thank you very much. I get up on stage to sing Amazing Grace, and wow. Let me tell you, it was like one of those awful American Idol auditions. The one in which the singer sings totally off key and you want to squint your eyes and turn your head and make it stop. Then after this performance, they say something like, "I swear I'm normally better than this," and you think to yourself, "Yeah, right, delusion-o."

That was me. Verbally embarrassing myself. And now, today, I have a whole new slew of verbal embarrassment waiting for me. I was interviewed for an article at Compassion, and at the same time they interviewed me, they took an audio-recording of me talking about my "best day" at Compassion. I didn't really know what it was for at the time and, although I abhor the sound of my recorded voice, I did it.

I didn't really know what to say and was a bit unprepared, so I just went on and on and on. I figured there is editing for that kind of thing, right? Nope. It shows up on my work's internal home page, and I hope that no one will notice it squished down in the corner. Then today, I check Compassion's external blog and what, oh what do I hear?

Oh yes, my verbal embarrassment in all its glory for all the world to hear. I'm solaced at least by the fact that after about the first minute of me going on and on and on and saying absolutely nothing, people will think to themselves, "will this lady just get on with it?" and move on. And to make everything better, there are these handy little rating buttons on the blog, o cruel world, so that all the world can vote on how they feel about my unwilling verbal incontience. Awesome.

P.S. Extra points to the one who can identify this quote: "I don't need to be set up on a blind date with a verbally incontinent spinster who smoke like a chimney, drinks like a fish, and dresses like her mother.

10 comments:

sarahbri said...

Bridget Jones' Diary! I believe Mr. Darcy says it :) I'm sure you weren't as bad as you thought, but if you were, then yippee! You succeeded in being a little less cool, which means I could still be your friend, which is a big plus in my book!

Amber Van Schooneveld said...

Thanks, Sarah. Yes, Mike thought my failure was a good thing, to make me more "relatable." :)

mike said...

And I've been around you enough to know that you are a beautiful singer, as well as having excellent pitch.

durias said...

Awesome.

Karyn said...

I listened to your interview on the Compassion blog this morning, and I thought your story was quite lovely.

Also- I just heard today that RZ just signed on for a 3rd Bridget Jones movie, wherein she is now in her 40's and trying to have a baby.

Amber Van Schooneveld said...

A 3rd Bridget? That just doesn't seem right.

Chuck <>< said...

At least you had the nerve to get up there and try. Kudos! As far as the blog I thought it was great to actually hear someone speaking their thoughts rather than just reading. It was refreshing as well as insightful.

sarahbri said...

Oh great. Now it turns out that you're not actually less cool. You've managed to become MORE cool by being what you call verbally incontinent and a bad singer. That just figures.

Amber Van Schooneveld said...

P.S. Sarah...I got into the singing group. Sorry. I'll try to sing really bad for you.

sarahbri said...

Whatever. I don't believe you anymore. It's ok. I've decided my plan is to be the ridiculous girl that follows you around wanting to be your friend even though I'm not even close to your league. It'll serve to make you even more cool, and it'll be fun.