Monday, February 9, 2009

Bluecifer

If you have traveled through Denver International Airport of late, you'll know what I'm talking about.

You're sitting nervously in the passenger seat of the car, fingering your tickets to make sure you know which airline you're on, feeling a bit anxious about the flight. Will you be on time? Will you crash? Will you spill orange juice on your neighbor in a drug-induced stupor?
When you look up and see it. Bluecifer. The Demon Horse. A 32-foot snorting blue mustang with glowing red eyes. You wonder if he is there to usher you into the underworld. You feel anything but comforted on your way to the airport, and wonder if you've somehow wandered unknowingly into Napoleon Dynamite's Trapper Keeper.

This horse is so ugly and demented it has drawn national attention and there is a facebook group solely devoted to hating it. It has even reached the pinnacle of being considered an offbeat tourist attraction, right up there with the Giant Hot Dog in Bailey and Mike the Headless Chicken in Fruita. Go, Colorado!

This horse is so evil, it killed it's sculptor. Really. He was sculpting it and part of it fell and pinned him to the ground. Is not this a hint to us?

If you insult this horse, the offended cry will be, "But it's art!" Art schmart, are you kidding me? When did we decide that if something is called "art" it is untouchable? There is such a thing as bad art. (Which will just lead the elitists to call you one of the small-minded masses if you don't buy into their latest ridiculous vogue.) But when did we all agree that we wanted art all over the place like so much tacky brick a brack? I didn't get that memo. There are lots of things that are good, like bacon and Ugg boots, but I don't necessarily want them littering up the lawn of my public space.

I mainly feel this way because I went to school at Colorado State, the capital of tacky lawn art. There was this one sculpture there that I would pass on my way from Newsom to Eddy. I'd be tripping along in my mini-skirt, gaily watching the birds build their nests on a clear spring day. When all of a sudden, I'd almost trip over it. A sculpture that looked like a dessicated human corpse in fetal position. Surprise! Call me small-minded, but I don't want to trip over dessicated corpses on my way to Linguistics.

But now, that big blue bear peeking into the Denver Convention Center? Now that's just cute.

9 comments:

Brandy said...

Oh my goodness, that horse freaks me out! I hate it! It gives me nightmares!

But yeah, the bear is cute. I think because it doesn't have red eyes. Or KILL PEOPLE!

Becky said...

I just linked to this post. You are FUNNY, Amber.

Brianne Michelle said...

HAHAHAHAHA - you have put this better than anyone I can think of. My I also note how highly embarrassing it was for me to pick up my friends from England over Christmas break for their first visit to America and they were greeted by this demon horse upon leaving the airport. I believe my exact words were, “Please look away.”

Michael Jonathan Van Schooneveld said...

His eyes stare into my heart and leave it a barren wasteland, raped of all hope. How I do hate him. And yet, I wish I could ride him and torment the wailing, hapless masses.

Steph said...

It's true, that horse has always freaked me out--we have one of the nicest airports in the world with the worst mascot.

Jon The Hart said...

Mike Rosen has spent some time talking about the demon on his show, he brought it up with the mayor and the governor. The law requires public installations to be up for 5 years before popular opinion can put them to death.

There was a local art gallery that offered to donate a bronze pegasus to the city, apparently Colorado has a huge contingent of artists that work in bronze, so some felt like the decision to get a fiberglass horse from an artist in another state was a slap in the face to the large pool of local talent we have.

Either way, I hope lightning strikes him down.

Tara said...

KEEP THE DEMON HORSE! I must admit that the first time that I saw the horse I tought it was the most hideous piece of art I had seen. But art is out there to spark conversation . . . and guess what?! It has! We are in the national news! Yeah, maybe it is becuase of a scary demon horse, but maybe artists from around the world will start to flock to Denver to see THE HORSE! That would be tourist dollars in our economy.

I have an idea--for all of those Broncos Fans out there--We (Broncos Fans) like the Broncos to be feared by all of the other teams and fans in the leagues. Well, we could just paint a giant D on the side of the horse and then it would be our mascot!! We could then make sure that all planes coming to DIA carrying other football teams make a trip around the horse. Players would be so scared by the horse that the Broncos would be guaranteed a W in their next game!!

I think we need to have more BLUE sculptures around town--I love the bear at the convention center--maybe next we could have a BLUE Ferret next to the Capitol Building!

Anonymous said...

The demon donkey needs to be plumbed with Colorado natural gas so that it can breath fire out its nose every five minutes.

Amber said...

Hmm...I like this breathing fire idea. I think that would make me like it more for sure.