Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A Hundred Visions and Revisions

I hate choices. They're the nails that pin my Peter-Pan soul down to the floor. In my melodramatic mind, it seems that one teeny choice can unalterably close one door and send me hurtling through a door I'm not sure if I want to enter.

Some large part of me still wants to flit about like Peter Pan's shadow in life, unfettered by the choices that life keeps reminding me I should pay attention to. Choices like where to live, what church to go to, where to settle down...they're all things I want. I want a picket fence and a church family, but I'm afraid to let my toes slide over the doorway. Because I am all or nothing, when I give myself to something, I give myself fully, which is good. But it also means that now I am shy, like I've just been in too many bad relationships and don't want to get tied down or have to break up again.

Like now. Mike and I are thinking of buying a home. Nothing terrifies or thrills me more. One second I'm so excited. Another second, I want to quit my job, run off somewhere crazy, and just forget this whole "adult" thing.

I want home and roots, but a hundred "what ifs" invade my mind. What if we should really run away to a goat farm in Kauai? What if Mike should become a dinner theater actor in L.A.? What if we should go be baristas in Starbucks in Edinburgh? What if?

So I'm shuffling on the stairs, unsure whether to go up or down, to grow up or run away.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet...

Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

~T.S. Eliot


Jen said...

I know when I was in Edinburgh, the baristas at Starbucks were really nice...

That's so fun that you are considering buying a home! And scary too! All my friends are growing up! Not me! Off to Neverland!!!!

I do believe in fairies...i do...i do... (I really hate that version of Peter Pan actually)

Amber said...

Oh, Jen, I loved that version! You know, one of my most vivid memories from Edinburgh is, for some reason, the baristas at Starbucks. Weird.

Jen said...

Perhaps it was the 8 year old little girl in front of me saying "Peter Pan is so hot!" all through the movie??

Amber, I remember the barista at Starbucks too..she was very friendly! And, i think we were a bit cold that night, so maybe just a warm drink helped in general?

I miss you.

robinegg said...

buying a house is a big deal. it does open so many and close so many doors...well put. in times like this, i remind myself of jim elliot's quote, "Wherever you are, be all there." wherever that may be for you, amber.