Saturday, June 14, 2008


Worried about its notoriously obese citizens, Japan has begun mandatory waist measuring during health check-ups for those over 40. Men with waists larger than 33.5 inches will be over government limits. The Japanese have a name for their portly brethren: Metabo. The government hopes to root out and exterminate the Metabo. (OK, not really, exterminate, more like encourage to better health.)

But it seems to me like Japan is making a big mistake. Take one look at Metabo in that government poster above, with his sidekick fatty and puppy dog.

He's clearly a Super Hero.

"There's been a wave of crime on the streets of Amagasaki. Old ladies no longer feel safe walking alone at night. Children no longer play in the streets. Who can save us?"

"Metabo can!" In flies Metabo, buttons popping, with his faithful little sidekick, Chubbo, and overfed puppy, Porky.

Metabo and his gang take out the villians in a flash. A well aimed popped button at each eye has the villians on their knees. Chubbo and Metabo then make a running head start, bounce once on their bellies, launching them like fatty missiles that come bombing down on the scoundrels. They bounce right off, but the villians are flattened on impact. One, still breathing, tries to get up, but Porky puppy smothers him with his low-hanging belly.

Then Metabo, Chubbo, and Porky, all jump victoriously in the air, arms raised, and buttons popping. (That's clearly what the scene in the poster above is.)

This could be huge. Crime fighting will just be the beginning. This could be the key to Japanese world dominance. Instead of Wii Fit, Shigeru Miyamoto ought to create an (innocent seeming at first) Metabo Wii that trains the armies of rotunda among them into fatty superhero-dom.

Instead of corsetting its ample assets, Japan ought to look twice at the Fatty Promise within.


Tara said...

If he can't stop the criminal with the power of pursuasion, Metabo can just sit on them. Perfect...

Jon The Hart said...

Whoa whoa there!

I thought all 3 of those were the same person... that's why they were all posed exactly the same. Like Metabo could morph into any of the 3 forms and use powers specific to each one. But if they're each separate, then that could be even more terrifying. Even moreso, if they are separate AND each can morph into any of the 3 forms. Superhero triplets! Watchout world!

Also... 33.5 inch waist? Those little people are crazy. I wonder what percentage of perfectly healthy American men have a larger than 33.5 inch waist... I bet a lot.

ian said...

Tune in next week for a new episode of Metabo-Life!!!

Amber said...

Jon, this is a great idea you have--the morphing one. I think we better start a comic book series.