Thank you for your warm welcome to this social networking virgin. I usually prefer to wait about 5 years after it's edgy to do something, which is why I'm cordially accepting your invitation now. But being the inexperienced girl I am, I'm a bit overwhelmed by all your invites and news feeds and "wall-to-walls." There is so much I'm unsure of.
So, please, Facebook, would you answer a few etiquette questions for me?
- Am I allowed to read other people's Wall-to-Walls? Seems a bit creepy, don't you think? But you just put it out there, like catnip for voyeurs. Should I feel guilty, or should I just bury my whiskers happily in the bowl?
- Isn't it rude to poke people? My mother always taught me to keep my fingers to myself. I even saw someone who had been licked. You didn't mention this licking thing when I agreed to start this relationship with you, Facebook.
- If someone asks me to be her friend, but we were never really that close to begin with, and honestly it was always really awkward anytime we talked and she had that weird thing she did with her fingers, do I have to say yes to this friendship?
- That reminds me of something else. I didn't quite know what I was doing when I first signed up, Facebook, and you asked me so quickly to give you all my contacts, and I, unwittingly, handed them over. Now I feel bad that I'm the girl with the weird habits that some long lost "friend" is now trying to determine how badly it'll hurt my feelings if they ignore me.
- And that new coworker, whom I asked to be my friend. I wish I could take that back. It's a bit early in the relationship, don't you think? We don't even know if we annoy each other yet and will need the privacy of the internet to vent about one another.
- Or am I just supposed to be collecting friends like soda tabs? I've only been with you four days, and I already have more friends than the sum total of people I talked to face-to-face last month. I saw one person with 1,109 friends. They must be exhausted from all the poking and licking.
- How often am I supposed to update my status? Honestly, Facebook, my life isn't that interesteing, but you keep asking me, and I keep answering like some silly over-eager puppy.
- And one more thing. What's with all the pictures of the bellies on the left-hand side of my screen? Does everyone get bellies? Is this a hint? You're making me paranoid.
Thank you, Facebook, for your consideration. I look forward to a long, fulfilling relationship.
P.S. This post is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between the characters mentioned in the post and friends living or dead is purely coincidental. (Really--I just wrote this because there are so many funny things about Facebook--not as a hint to you. :) )